Post Your Jokes!

Discussion in 'General Chit-Chat' started by axxe55, Jun 30, 2012.

  1. axxe55

    axxe55 Well-Known Member

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    well wanted to start a new fun thread. i'll start it off with this one.

    God Is Busy.

    If you don't know God, don't mak stupid remarks!
    A Unistide States Marine was attending some college classes between assingments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afganistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avid atheist and a card carrying member of the ACLU.

    One day the professor shocked the class when he came into the room. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God if you are real, then i want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the proffessor proclaimed, "Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting!"

    It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, walked up to the professor, and cold cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat silently.

    The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What in the world is wrong with you? Why did you do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid and act like an idiot. So He sent me!"

    The class erupted in cheers!

    Bottom line, don't mess with God-fearing Marines!
     
  2. FOUR4D4

    FOUR4D4 Moderator Moderator

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    Two blonds were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

    "I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blond #1.

    "Do what?" asked Blond #2.


    "Send my lawn out to be mowed."
     

  3. wjjones

    wjjones Well-Known Member

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    Now that is a good one. John 3:33 Look it up when you get time.
     
  4. wjjones

    wjjones Well-Known Member

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    lmao....:d.
     
  5. Marlinman

    Marlinman Active Member

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    I told you not to tell anyone bout that day man!!!;) great patriotic joke too. I'd have done it as well. Then yelled Oooooh Rah after explaining it to the idiot.
     
  6. axxe55

    axxe55 Well-Known Member

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    Four, that was funny! LOL!:D
     
  7. bmarg

    bmarg Well-Known Member

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    A man was waiting at the gates of heaven when St. Peter appeared.

    St. Peter explained " If you have done anything remarkable on earth it helps you get into heaven faster. Have you done anything that you think was remarkable?" .

    The man said "Well yeah, actually I do think I have done something remarkable. One time when I was camping and it was only me and this young gal out at the campground when the Hell's Angels showed up. The bikers started terrorizing the campground and the young gal so I went up to him and started poking him in the nose and said 'If you mess with the girl you mess with me.' Then I went over to the leaders bike and kicked it over."

    St. Peter replied, " Wow that truly is amazing, how long ago did that happen?"

    The man said in reply "Oh.... About 5 minutes ago."
     
  8. axxe55

    axxe55 Well-Known Member

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    72Camaro, that's good! i like it!:D
     
  9. FOUR4D4

    FOUR4D4 Moderator Moderator

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    New rules for secret service
    The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for agents today.
    They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers or go to strip bars.
    The rules say that from now on, if agents feel compelled to engage
    in such behavior, they will have to run for public office like everyone else.
     
  10. axxe55

    axxe55 Well-Known Member

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    now that's funny, if not true! good one Four!:D:eek::D
     
  11. Windy

    Windy Well-Known Member Supporting

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    As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."​
    She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"​
    A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
     
  12. Windy

    Windy Well-Known Member Supporting

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    A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
     
  13. Windy

    Windy Well-Known Member Supporting

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    Ask any man what a woman's ultimate fantasy is and they will tell you, to have two men at once. According to a recent social logical study this is true, however most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking, and the other is cleaning.
     
  14. axxe55

    axxe55 Well-Known Member

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    Windy those are pretty good! i can tell already you are going to be a lively addition here! :D
     
  15. Windy

    Windy Well-Known Member Supporting

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    Until you ban me.
     
  16. axxe55

    axxe55 Well-Known Member

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    okay, another 5 minute ban to you! lol! jk!:eek::D
     
  17. FOUR4D4

    FOUR4D4 Moderator Moderator

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    how to call the cop when your old
    George Phillips, an elderly man from Meridian, Mississippi was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

    He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?"

    He said, "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

    The police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

    George said, "OK".

    He hung up and counted to 30. Then he phoned again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people breaking into my shed stealing. Well, you don't have to bother about them now because I just shot and killed them both and my dogs are eating them as we speak." And he hung up.

    Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, 2 fire trucks, and a paramedic showed up at George's residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

    One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

    George said, "I thought you said there was no one available!"[​IMG]

     
  18. 1894

    1894 Well-Known Member

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    72 s post reminded me of this one

    [​IMG]
     
  19. aka

    aka Well-Known Member

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    1894 that's priceless